


Stay still / Please don't

by buckysknifecollection



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-14 19:01:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20605751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckysknifecollection/pseuds/buckysknifecollection
Summary: What if your soulmate was the one person you had hurt the most?





	1. Stay still

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> {{This piece was reposted from my Tumblr blog buckysknifecollection.tumblr.com}}

~2014~

The Siberia Facility was one of the most dreaded places to be sent to, even if most scientists considered it a prestigious honour. It was cold, isolated and simply creepy even for Hydra. You were no scientist though, your parents were, but you were just another soldier amongst Hydra’s ranks. 

Your father was disappointed you didn’t follow him into experimental medicine, but your mother didn’t care as long as you were on the right side of the fight. In fact, he was angry you were sent to Siberia before him- he’s been trying to become part of the Winter Soldier program for years now, so when his offspring was chosen instead, well, he was pissed. 

But they didn’t need any more scientists up North. They needed people capable to handle the Soldiers. You had fought hard to earn yourself a reputation, so it wasn’t really a surprise that you were chosen. Sure, you have never even been in the presence of a Winter Soldier, but if their Handlers thought you could do it, who were you to question them?

You’ve received all the training that was available to you to become one of Hydra’s most reliable soldiers. Since your early years you’ve worked hard to master different types of weapons and multiple fighting techniques. You’ve been on SHIELD’s radar since your first assignment at the tender age of thirteen, but the fact that they were nowhere close to tracking you down all these years only proved how good you were.

The Facility was quiet when you and a group of others arrived at dawn. One of the higher ranked agents had informed you that all Soldiers apart from one were currently in the Cryostasis Chambers, which meant they would need only a handful of people to make sure the Asset, as they called him, did not make any mess.

You were unpacking your few belongings in the small shared room when one of the agents stormed in and ordered you to follow him. The Asset had returned from his mission, you were told he was damaged and aggressive and to be prepared for the worse. You ran to the armoury, put on your gear as fast as you could, a knife in each thigh holster, two guns on your hips and a set of tranquiliser injectors. You could hear his ferocious roars coming down the hall, mixed in with the agents’ screamed orders.

You ran, quickly turning into the lab where the Asset was already being forced into the chair, surrounded by mechanisms you assumed were the Reprogramming devices. He was thrashing against the hold of the agents and you swiftly made your way over, grabbed him by the arm and pushed him down on the chair with a knee to the abdomen. He sputtered, but recovered immediately and tried to push you off, his lips pulled in a fearsome snarl.

He was too strong and to aggressive to be held back, so you decided it was time to take matters in your own hands. The tranquilisers were only to be used as a last resort, as they didn’t mix well with the serum and messed with whatever the scientists were pumping into the Soldiers, but you didn’t care - the scientists would have to suck it up if they didn’t want to end up with their head ripped clean off their shoulders.

You shifted your position so you could shove your arm against the Assets throat and hold him down, while you reached behind your back for the injectors. Just as you ripped one out of the holder, the Asset stilled for a second and his eyes widened.

“Stay still!” You hissed and activated the device.

He tried to move his arm away, but someone was holding it in place. You put the injector against the skin of his forearm and right before you pushed the button, he whispered, his breath hitching. “Please, don’t…”

You pushed the button just as the stinging under your sleeve began and the Asset stilled. 

The room went silent and the agents slowly backed off. You were frozen, kneeling on the Assets thighs, the stinging in your right wrist making you hiss, but you played it off as if you were hit while subduing the Soldier. You jumped off him and helped the scientist put the restraints on him.

You were about to close the clasp over his right wrist when you noticed something. Two words, a soft golden-brown colour, surrounded by pink irritation of a fresh injury appeared on his pale skin.

_Stay still._

Wasn’t that what you said to him? No, this wasn’t possible. 

You pulled his sleeve back down, covering the Mark, closed the clasp and moved to the back of the room as the scientists prepared the Reprogramming. You stood behind the other agents, your back pushed against the wall and making sure no one was looking at you, you pulled your right sleeve up, revealing a similar Mark to that on the Asset, same golden-brown shade of the letters and the same angry pink surrounding them, except the words were different.

_Please, don’t._

It was a legend as old as humanity itself and you’ve known all about it since you were a child, but never believed it. The first words Soulmates spoke to each other would appear on their right wrist in a delicate font, softly shining with a golden shift. No one you knew had ever found a Soulmate, not even your parents were each other’s. Most people around you laughed at the idea of such an archaic bond, seeing it as meaningless and useless weight.

You quickly pulled your sleeve back, as the tears started to form and his screams once again filled the room. 

The Asset was your Soulmate and you were his. 

_ _ _ _ 

He was put in the cryo chamber later that night. You saw no signs that anyone had noticed that Hydra’s Fist had received a Mark, but you feared what that could mean for you. Would you be seen as a liability and gotten rid of? Would they pump you with the serum and make you a Soldier as well? Or maybe they would lock you up as the Asset’s toy? You didn’t even want to know, you needed a way out and away from him.

But getting transferred was never easy and leaving of your own accord was out of the question. So you continued doing your job while you thought of ways to get out of there before you got discovered.

Your first contact with the Asset and how easily you subdued him impressed his Handler and he requested that you are one of the permanent guards in the lab. Usually you just sat in your corner and tried not to die of boredom while the scientists went on and on about treatments and experiments. You didn’t care, they were doing their job and yours was to simply make sure they didn’t do anything stupid.

Days were more interesting but also more risky when the Asset was out of cryo. Whenever he was “freshly thawed” as you once jokingly called it, he was disoriented, he had no clue where he was or who he was. Well, he almost never knew who he was anyway. 

And when he started to remember and tried fighting against his restraints, you’d walk over, tranquiliser ready in hand. You suspected it was the Mark’s effect, that whenever he spotted you, he’d go still, his eyes locked on you. The closer you got, the fear in his eyes grew and when he’d notice the injector you were holding, he’d start begging. Begging for you to stop, not to inject him, begging for you to help him, tell him what was happening.

Sometimes, that fear and the pleading pale blue eyes would pull at something in your heart, but you wouldn’t allow it. You’ve worked too hard your entire life to let some stupid myth ruin everything. The impressed smirks from the Handler and higher-ups at the ease with which you put the Asset in his place stroked your ego enough that you quickly learned to ignore the stupid letters on your wrist.

He was just another weapon, anyway, a puppet in Hydra’s talented hands. What sort of Soulmate could he even be?

The situation got more problematic as the Asset would remember his past a lot faster since he had received the Mark, its nature somehow interfering with Hydra’s methods, and since his Handler had noticed it on his wrist, there was a hunt for the Asset’s Soulmate. You managed to avoid the first few searches by being on patrol in the woods, covering for some fool who got his leg broken during training, but you knew time was ticking.

Lucky for you, Hydra sent the Asset out to DC, where Project Insight was about to be activated. You were sent with a few more agents to keep an eye on him during transit, and after that mission, you were to move to a base somewhere in Vermont.

But of course, life was never easy. The Avengers stepped in, as they always did, and ruined everything. They uncovered the truth about Hydra hiding in SHIELD’s ranks, released the entire SHIELD database online, including Hydra’s files, they obliterated Project Insight.

You watched the three aircrafts shoot at each other and crash into the river, ruining the Triskelion as everything fell. You had stolen a car from a nearby parking lot and sat on the the hood while everything you’ve known in life went up in flames.

_ _ _ _ 

You spent the next few years in hiding, moving from town to town, from country to country, never staying anywhere longer than a few weeks, never speaking to anyone more than necessary. You played your role of a lonely traveller perfectly, no one you’ve met even suspected that you were once part of the most dangerous organisation on Earth. No one could see through your disguise and notice just what a cold killer you’ve once been. And those who did suspect something, you had taken care of yourself. 

Somewhere in northern Europe you found a tattoo artist willing to put ink over you Mark. Not many did that, as the Marks were seen as something sacred, pure and beautiful, a symbol of pride. While chatting with the artist, she had told you only those whose Soulmate had died were willing to cover up like that.

You didn’t know if the Asset was alive, last time you heard of him, he was on one of the Insight aircrafts, the very ones you saw crash and burn. It didn’t even matter at that point.

Things only got more and more complicated as years went by. The local papers and muted televisions in roadside diners showed the chaos than enveloped the world after the fall of SHIELD. But having grown up in the system, you knew they were like cockroaches and would rise again in no time at all.

And right when the world was starting to find some sort of footing in it’s unstable state, the Snap happened, taking half the population with it, yourself included.

~2023~

You woke up in an abandoned apartment, one you recognised as your latest safehouse, confusion flooding your head. Your things were still there, though covered in a thick layer of dust, in fact everything was covered in dust and grime but you didn’t remember it being that bad when you got here. Did you fall asleep? No, you had just arrived, you were about to leave and look for food. Maybe you were more hungry than you thought and fainted? Your money was still in your backpack, so you went outside.

The streets were….strange. Was there a demonstration of some sorts? Crowds were everywhere, people were confused, looking for something. Many were crying, yelling, others were laughing hysterically. You had no clue what was going on. 

You passed a kiosk, and checked the local paper, looking for any clues as to what has happened. You noticed that the date was wrong, must’ve been a mistake. It was 2018, not 2023, after all. Other than that, there was nothing unusual to be found in the paper.

Days later, you had found out everything about the Snap, the Battle, and the fact that you were dead for the past five years. Not just dead - you stopped existing altogether. Old footage of people turning to ugly gray-brown dust was often shown on television.

You felt completely numb, you couldn’t cry and you couldn’t even feel joy that you were alive. For some reason, Fate gave you a second chance at life and you had no clue what to do with it. You didn’t know if your family had been dead and returned as well, but you didn’t really want to go back to your old life. Maybe returning was a sign that you needed to choose a different path, but your hands were constantly shaking and you couldn’t even choose the next destination you should move to.

Every time you looked at the tattoo covering your Mark, you couldn’t help but feel guilt. You’ve never felt it before, and now it was the only emotion you knew. 

You had abandoned your Soulmate, long before you had left him for certain death in DC. You had been a killer and a willing participant in Hydra’s schemes over the years. You couldn’t really use the excuse of being raised into such life, it was a shitty excuse. 

When it was announced that SHIELD was being rebuilt and the Avengers were seeking new allies, you were surprised to feel a pull towards them. You definitely had the skills necessary to be a great fighter, the question was though, would you be allowed anywhere near SHIELD? Or would they detain you for all your past crimes?

The world has changed since the Snap and its reversal. Everyone was somehow more inclined to forgive and give second chances. Many people like yourself, seeked those second chances like they were the only lifeline left. You hoped that a new beginning could at least mend the wounds and all the wrongs inside your soul and maybe, just maybe, your sins would be forgiven.

~2024~

It was very difficult to convince SHIELD not to lock you up but instead take you in and let you prove yourself. Apparently the Avengers themselves had insight into who was accepted and someone had decided and you should be given a chance. You later found out it was someone called James Barnes, but you didn’t recognise the name at the time.

After months of training, you were accepted amongst their ranks and worked closely with the Avengers. You were surprised to see their new leader being the Falcon, but what completely threw you off your feet was another member of the team.

As it turns out, Fate is a stubborn bitch and she will stop at nothing to get what she wants.

It was him. The Asset - the man you thought was long dead, your Soulmate. Not only was he very much alive and well, but he was the Falcon’s second in command. According to files you found while searching through the database, the day you thought he died, was the first day of his new life. He had escaped Hydra in its most vulnerable state, survived years on the run and then, just like yourself - died in the Snap and was returned to life just a year ago.

You also found out that his real name was James Barnes, making him the sole reason why you were a SHIELD Agent. He didn’t seem to recognise you though, so you wondered if it was your past in Hydra the reason he sympathised with you.

When you had met him for the first time after joining the team, he was nothing how you remembered him. He was all smiles and smooth, deep voice, eyes shining with confidence and there was a bounce in his step that made it obvious he was happy with his new life. 

Despite vouching for you, he was still weary of your presence at first, but quickly warmed up to you. He made it so easy to befriend him, you wondered how could he be the same man you knew. Now that he was free of Hydra, he was a sweet, loving and caring man, with a playful and cheeky side to him that made even you crack a smile, no matter how hard you fought it. He’d joke around, invite you to team dinners and was always eager to talk even about the daftest of topics.

It was even easier to love him. 

And it would be so easy to just give in and let yourself be drawn to him. You blamed the Mark for that, but those beautiful bright blue eyes, now so full of life and so loud with every emotion he felt, were a factor that couldn’t be ignored. 

You had changed so much in that one short year on the team as well. The Avengers had shown you what a true family was, they had taught you how to care for others in a way you had never known. The shadow of your past still followed you everywhere you went, but seeing as quite a few members of their little crazy family shared a similar past as you, they had shown you forgiveness and understanding.

You had found your second chance with them and it felt like a balm that slowly, but surely lessened the scars that you thought would never go away.

One thing that would not lessen no matter what you did was your anxiety regarding Soulmates. Many Avengers had found theirs, some had even lost them during Thanos’s attacks, some were still seeking and it was clear to you that Bucky was one of those people who actively searched for their Soulmate.

He didn’t talk about it a lot, but you’d often catch him looking at his wrist with longing, stroking the lettering there, as if the right loving touch would somehow make the Mark tell him where his Soulmate was. The golden sheen of the letters indicated that you were very much still alive - the Marks lost their shine and shifted to a more gray-ish shade if one of the Soulmates died.

You couldn’t even bear the thought of him finding out.

_ _ _ _

You are on the flight back to the Compound after a pretty easy mission, the team scattered around the jet, some of them taking care of their minor injuries, others simply resting. You get comfortable in your usual spot opposite from Sam and Bucky, which you quickly regret once you realise what they are talking about.

“You must’ve met them while you were under Hydra.” Sam says as Bucky fondly rubs at the words on his wrist. 

Bucky frowns at the idea. “No way, Sammy, none of those bastards have souls.“ 

Sometimes, when you were feeling generous, you would daydream about how maybe, just maybe, if you told Bucky you are his Soulmate, that he’d accept you. That he’d look past your horrible role in his torment and that he’d forgive you. But that one sentence felt like a knife to the heart and you are sure that telling him would only cause him more pain if he knew one of those bastards was meant to be his.

You tug at your sleeve anxiously, not really registering you were doing it, until you feel Sam’s sharp gaze on you. You adored Sam, but sometimes it was scary how observant he was. And right now, you feel like he could see right through all the walls you had built up, deep inside you where all the shame ate at your bones and heart.

You’re glad he didn’t say a word, but you know you have to make sure to avoid him like he was fire, because now that he’s noticed something, he would definitely confront you about it.

Once the jet lands and everyone heads for the briefing room to get the annoying part of the job over with, you rush down the ramp and down the hall, hoping to get there without any interruptions. You’d figure out how to escape to your room later, but for now you’re concentrating on not tripping over your own feet.

The team is moving quickly around you, and as much as you tried, your legs could not carry you fast enough. A strong arm pulls you by the waist and then pushes you against the wall. You’re cornered and there’s no way you could fight off the Falcon himself, not after he’s been through all the extra training to take over Captain America’s role.

He watches you, analyses you with a scowl. “It’s you, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You huff, the arm pinning you by your waist just a bit too strong for you to wiggle away from.

“Don’t play dumb, Agent. Are you Bucky’s soulmate?” He was losing patience. You understood his worry, he’s Bucky’s best friend after all.

You can’t hold it in any longer, not when he confronted you directly like this. You can feel the tears starting to form in your eyes. “Please don’t tell him.” You whisper desperately.

“Why not? He needs his soulmate. He needs you.” It didn’t make sense to Sam, how could a person willingly avoid a beautiful bond like that? After finding and then losing his own soulmate, he could not imagine someone not wanting that kind of love in their life.

“I can’t. Not after what I did. I can’t do this to him.”

“After what you did? What are you talking about?” His brow furrows for a moment, but he quickly connects the facts. You used to be in Hydra, and you are Bucky’s Soulmate. And judging by the words on Bucky’s wrist, it was easy to figure out what your role was in the past. His voice is softer now, you can tell he pities you. “Just talk to him, he’ll understand if you explain. Tell him, Agent.” 

You can’t control the broken sobs anymore. “_No_. No, I can’t, Sam, don’t tell Bucky.”

“Tell me what?” The voice you dreaded the most sounds from behind Sam and you feel your blood freeze in your veins.

“Nothing.” You mumble stiffly.

“Agent…” He steps closer, your hands shaking violently despite your attempt to remain calm in front of him.

“Nothing, Bucky, forget it.” This was never supposed to happen.

Sam let go of you finally, stepping aside to allow Bucky closer, but the moment you are free, you try to run. Before you can get away from the imminent heartbreak you were about to inflict and sustain yourself, Bucky grabs your wrist, firmly enough that you couldn’t get away, but gently enough not to hurt you.

He pulls you closer to him and he swallows thickly as he lifts your arm so the hallway lights can shine on it.

And as he turns your wrist to different angles, fingers so gentle you barely feel them, those dreaded two words become visible, the soft sheen they give off unmissable despite the ink that covers them.

_Please, don’t._

Someone is sobbing, repeating the same phrase over and over again, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, their voice so full of pain and shame, you can’t stand it, you want to cover your ears so it would just stop.

Only when Bucky’s cold metal palm touches your cheek do you realise it was your voice, it’s you whose cries are filling the empty hallways around you.

“You’re my soulmate?” Bucky sounded equally broken, and he’s right to be. After everything he’s already been through, the one and only person for him was one of the monsters who tortured him. It’s like the universe truly hated him. 

“How long have you known?” His words sound wet somehow and you realise he’s crying as well. There, you did it. You hurt him again. 

You can’t imagine why, but his tone is gentle now. He should be angry, he should be yelling at you, pushing you away.

“Since 2014.” You don’t dare look at him, his gasp a clear sign of the betrayal he probably feels.

His fingers leave your wrist and he lets his arms fall at his side, his fists clenched tightly and part of you is scared he might attack you, but you know James Barnes wouldn’t do that. He was the best, most noble man you have ever known and that just made everything so much worse.

“Why would you keep this from me?” He demands in a stern voice.

You protectively grab your wrist, as if hiding the Mark could be of any help. You keep your head down, eyes fixed on his right wrist, the memory of the Mark appearing there still vivid in your memory. “It happened when we both were under Hydra. Afterwards…. the programming wouldn’t work, they had to wipe you more and more often. I thought you died and then everything went to Hell and then I….I _couldn’t_…..”

How can you possibly explain to him that you are the biggest coward to walk the Earth? How can you tell this sweet man that you left him behind? That instead of finding a way to get him out, instead of fighting for your other half, you let your own fear and egoism take over and you simply ran. Even after you joined Shield, you did nothing, you simply refused to face what Fate had in store for you. Now that the truth was out, it feels like a big, angry gash was open in your chest.

The silence between the two of you is so heavy, you couldn’t bear it, you wished the Earth would just swallow you forever. You vaguely register that Sam had left the two of you alone.

“Why didn’t you tell me when you joined the Avengers? You acted like we’ve never met before.” His voice is tiny, like a small child whose fragile trust has been broken. 

“You didn’t remember me… I thought it would be better that way, for your own good.”

Another moment of silence surrounds you like a heavy chain and breathing becomes more and more difficult. Then, like he always did, Bucky surprises you again. His strong arms wrap around your waist, pulling you close to his body and holding you tight to him, his lips touch the top of you head, brushing gently, showing you more love than you could ever deserve.

And part of you wants that, all that love, you’ve craved it from the second you came back to life. But another, bigger part of you screams at you, reminds you how undeserving you were, how bad for him you are.

“It’s okay. We can be together now.” He coos, stroking your hair. You want to give in, oh how you want to listen to his soothing voice and let it heal you. But you know if you did that, you would only cause him more hurt.

So you push him away. “No. Not after what I did to you. Not after participating in what Hydra did to you. I can’t do this to you. You don’t deserve it.”

In his surprise, he doesn’t manage to catch you before you run off, the tears in your eyes making the hallway in front of you blurry, and you hope you are running in the right direction.

His voice carries behind you as he follows you all the way to your room. He could easily catch up with you, if he wanted but he’s giving you space, even as he’s begging for you to stop running from him. 

“Darling, _please_! Come back!“ 

"Please, stop running!" 

"It’s gonna be okay, doll, I promise!" 

You knew it wouldn’t.

Soulmates aren’t supposed to hurt each other. They are supposed to love and protect each other and you had broken that promise on day one and have been breaking it again and again since then. You are wrong for him and you would only hurt him.

You get to your room and slam the door shut, ordering FRIDAY to keep it locked. Bucky arrives only seconds later. 

"Darling, please, let me in. Let’s talk about this, c'mon.” He speaks softly as you slide down to the floor, your back against the door. You don’t have to hold the tears in anymore. 

It’s quiet outside for a moment, before you hear him shuffle and sit against your door as well. 

“I sorta knew, ya know? When I met you.” Your breath hitches at his confession. How..? 

“I mean, I wasn’t sure but I felt this pull. Like I needed you close, like I being away from you wasn’t an option. When I saw your tattoo, I thought your Soulmate died - Sam said that’s something people do when their other half dies.” You hear him sigh heavily. 

“Please, don’t shut me out, darling. I don’t blame or hate you. We both got our bad pasts but that’s behind us now. We can make this work, darling, please!" 

You cover your mouth when a whine escapes you without your permission, so pitiful it made your chest hurt, as if the emotional pain was pushing at your ribs from the inside. He could still hear you, even without his enhanced hearing, he would be able to hear your wailing as he was sat only inches from you, only the door you so stubbornly kept locked, separating the two of you. 

He stays silent for the rest of the night, patiently waiting for you to let him in. The world goes dark outside the windows, as tears stream down your face. You don’t bother stopping or wiping them, you let it all consume you. 

You fell asleep at some point, the incident exhausted you completely and you wake up in the middle of the night with your cheek pressed to the carpet. Everything around you is silent and you can’t hear Bucky outside anymore. He must have gone back to his room, finally gave up on the Soulmate that rejected him. 

You take a shower and get dressed in some warm clothes, pull on a pair of boots and a jacket. From the depth of your wardrobe, you dig out a duffle bag that’s been sitting there, packed and ready for any emergency. You check the contents, throw some extra cash inside, hang it over your shoulder and head for the door. 

"Are you leaving, Miss?” The trusty AI asks you sadly. It had always surprised you just how intelligent FRIDAY was and how human-like she could be. 

“Don’t notify anyone.” You simply answer, pulling the door open as quietly as possible.

You almost trip over a pair of legs spread out in front of your door and your skin crawled at the idea that you will have to face the man you’ve been avoiding. 

Bucky is sleep on the hallway floor, his arm pressed to the wall, his head tilted to the side, his hair covering most of his face, and his hands were laying limply in his lap, metal palm protectively covering his Mark. 

You carefully step over his legs and look around, make sure that there’s no one else in the dimly lit corridor. You crouch down next to him, just watching him for a moment, happy that he was getting some sleep even if the circumstances are less than ideal. 

A shiver ran through his body and you notice it was quite cold tonight. You tiptoe back into your room, where a soft purple blanket with white stars on it was spread over the bed. It was a gift, you recalled, one that Bucky had given you on your first and only Christmas with the team. It had kept you warm for so many nights, even when the nightmares chilled you to the bone.

You kneel next to the sleeping man, and drape the blanket over him, making sure it’s well tucked around his neck. You move the hair from his face, gently pushing it behind his ear. There are dried tear stains all the way to his beard, your heart breaks at the thought that you made him cry. But still he looks so peaceful, even with the little furrow of his brows that was a sign he was either dreaming or he could sense your presence even in his sleep. Keeping your breaths as quiet as possible, you place a kiss on that little wrinkle between his brows that you find so endearing. 

“I’m sorry, my love. I’m doing this for you.” Voice barely a whisper, you touch his cheek, gently wiping away whatever dampness the tears have left behind.

He mumbles something in his sleep, shifting slightly against the wall and loosing his balance, his upper body starts to slowly tilt down to the floor. The impact would definitely wake him so you quickly catch him, one hand under his shoulder and one under his head and gently place him down on the carpeted floor. 

For a massive, fearsome man, he looks utterly adorable, sleeping so peacefully under the cute fleece blanket. Before you can stop yourself, you lean down to him again, this time very softly kissing the corner of his mouth, lips just barely touching.

You fix the blanket one last time and stand up, grabbing the bag and with a sigh, you start walking towards the garages. It was time. 

You dismantle the tracker from your bike and rip the cables off the navigation device, place your phone, communication earpiece and room keys right there on the floor of your designated parking spot. 

It wouldn’t be impossible for you to be tracked, but you can buy enough time to disappear before anyone gets to you. A duffle bag thrown over your shoulder and you ride off into the night, never to be found again.


	2. Please, don't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky searches the Earth for the Soulmate that left him behind, again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> {{This piece was reposted from my Tumblr blog buckysknifecollection.tumblr.com}}

Bucky felt groggy and disoriented when he woke up, his cheek squished into the hallway carpet and his face only inches from the cream wall. He didn’t remember falling asleep at all, for a moment he completely forgot why was he there in the first place. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and only then did he notice the soft fabric he was covered with.

He recognised it immediately, of course he did. He would never forget when he gave it to you and how you’d always shuffle around the living quarters at ungodly hours, wrapped in your purple blanket, looking like the softest little cocoon.

All the memories from the day before hit him with a wave of fear and he scrambled to his feet to run into your room, finding it empty, the bed still perfectly made and untouched, most of your things still in their place. It seemed like everything was perfectly fine and yet there was this pit in his stomach, this realisation that was threatening to surface but he desperately denied it. FRIDAY informed him you headed to the garage, and he figured that must have happened sometime while he was asleep, but he still ran at top speed hoping to find something there.

And he did, in a way. In your usual spot, where your beloved, sleek black racing motorbike would stand proudly, only some small items lay on the floor. Your keys, phone, a few ripped cables and the dismantled tracker he had helped you install ages ago.

No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t deny the facts anymore. You left and have taken all precautions necessary not to be followed. He sat on the concrete floor, his breath leaving him in ragged huffs and he fought the urge to cry right there and then.

He grabbed your keys and looked at the single keychain you had attached to them. It was little metal plate in the shape of half a heart, your part reading one half of the phase “Partners in crime”, a little sparkly gem and tiny handcuffs hung along with it. He smiled at the memory this keychain brought. Him and Sam had taken you and Wanda to Coney Island for Wanda’s birthday only a few weeks back. She insisted on getting that keychain and sharing it with you and you thought it was ironic considering your pasts, but still accepted it - just like everyone else, you could never say no to Wanda.

Bucky was miserable, already spent too many years without a Soulmate and now that he found you he would not stand for your self-righteous bullshit. In a way, you reminded him of Steve, who always stubbornly stuck to whatever he thought was the right thing to do. 

But neither Steve nor you ever asked Bucky what he wanted. And what he wanted was a good life. Sure, Steve decided to fuck off to the past and that’s fine, Bucky decided there was no point in resenting him even if sometimes he still felt a bit of pain in his heart. Steve got what he wanted - his own Soulmate back and Bucky ended up being sort of adopted by Steve’s new family, which accepted him and made him feel loved. And then he found out the girl he had the biggest crush on, was his Soulmate. And then she abandoned him because she thought she was bad for him.

And yeah, maybe Bucky should be angry with you, because unlike him, you were a willing participant in Siberia. But he didn’t remember that side of you and he didn’t really remember much of himself from those times. And he really didn’t want to hate you, not even for leaving him. Whoever you grew up as, it was obvious that joining the team was a new beginning for you and you were nothing like the vicious murderer the files painted you as. Sure, you could still be vicious in a fight, but once it was over, you were all smiles and jokes and empathy for everyone around you.

Which is why he decided not to back down. Despite your efforts to disappear off their radar, the technology at Bucky’s disposal was sure to shorten the distance between the two of you eventually. He would scan the entire Earth if he had to. 

He was endlessly grateful for Sam, who not only encouraged him and helped him sift through clues and possible sightings, but also followed Bucky to the most obscure locations, searching for you with just as much desperation as Bucky. Despite his initial distrust, Sam had grown to love you like a sister and he would be damned if he’d let you isolate yourself in a pit of self-hatred. 

_ _ _ _

Life on the run should probably feel like a natural state to you at this point, after years of running from Hydra, but you had gotten used to the safety of the Avengers’ Compound. It was similar to your life back then too, except you didn’t kill people anymore. Some people would recognise you as an Avenger but when you kindly asked them not to tell anyone because you were on a secret mission, they smiled and acted like you were just another stranger on the street. It felt good not having to spill innocent blood anymore, just to keep your cover.

You hide in a cottage in Estonia, and even though you hate the cold and would much rather be somewhere warm, the thick woods surrounding you are a great hideout. You think that maybe you’ll be able to stick around for a bit longer than your usual 2-3 weeks. You got tired of running and hiding all the time.

It’s been about a year since you ran away from Bucky. And you miss him, so much, but you’re sure he’s doing just fine without you. You saw pictures of him in papers and tabloids sometimes and he looked stunning. He had gained a little bit of softness on his chin and cheeks, while still looking absolutely lethal, his hair looked soft and fluffy and you wondered if he had finally taken your advice to use a good conditioner.

Some months after leaving, you found a laser removal clinic willing to remove the ink covering your Mark. As it turned out, the procedure had no effect on the Mark itself, only making it irritated for a short while. Sure, it was torture and you were definitely a masochist, but you wanted your only reminder of your bond with Bucky to be visible to you again. The words brought out the shameful memory of your first encounter every time you looked at them, but you still cherished the little gold print.

Sometimes you wondered if maybe it was a mistake, a rash decision to run. It was definitely cowardly of you, but you’ve accepted that you were a coward who ran from anything that could cause you any pain.

_ _ _ _

Just like every night for the past month, you spend the night in your little cottage, reading through one of the few books you have gathered since coming there. A shiver runs through you and you realise the fire has gotten a bit too weak to fight of the chill of the late fall. You put your thick coat on and head out to the back, where you have stacked the cut up wood. The pile you have worked so hard to build was knocked over, wood scattered on the snow. You think you must really be crap at piling up wood but then you notice two sets of footprints in the snow. 

You gasp, drop the wood you had begun collecting and run back to your cottage, desperate to grab one of your guns before the intruders get to you. 

Just as you are about to reach for the shotgun you keep hidden under you couch, a large cold hand grabs you by the nape of your neck and yanks you away from it. You try to get yourself out of the vice grip, but you freeze once the barrel of a gun sharply digs into your lower back.

“You thought you could run, huh? You thought Hydra wouldn’t find you?” Your father snarls in your ear, he sounds older and worn but still like himself. His voice that you haven’t heard since you were first sent off to Siberia all those years ago makes you feel cold all over and you shiver as he pins you to the wooden floorboards. “How stupid have you become?”

Your mother comes in view in front of you, dressed in her usual black Hydra officer suit,

looks down at you like you’re the worst kind of parasite.

“You’re a disappointment. We made you one of the best fighters and you threw it all away? Sided with those idiots at SHIELD?” She snarls, gripping your hair brutally and pulling it back so you are forced to look at her, a whimper escaping you. Her hair has more gray strands in it than you remember and the wrinkles on her face have become more prominent, but the sharp, ice cold look in her eyes is still there, if not intensified by the hatred she felt towards you now.

“I thought you were dead!” You gasp out. You really did think they had died, one way or another. That was the only way you could explain how you have never heard from or of them all these years. Judging by how much they’ve aged, they must have survived the Snap.

“Silence! You don’t get to talk anymore!” She slaps you so hard, you fall out of her and your father’s grasps. You watch as he moves around the small space, finding all of your hidden weapons and throwing them out the door, into the snow, where you definitely cannot reach them. He even grabbed the knife stand off the kitchen counter and got rid of that too, leaving you defenseless other than your own strength and fighting skills. You weren’t sure they would be enough.

When he’s done he looks around, making sure he got every weapon you could possibly use against them and he spots a picture of you and your new-found family, Bucky’s arm draped over your shoulder, and Wanda’s arms around your middle.

“The Asset.” He snorts in disbelief. “You got close to him, didn’t you?” 

You dread the look in his eyes. They always were extremely expressive, which you used to find quite impressive and useful back in the day, but now that only made fear stir inside you so much you half-expected to start shaking from it.

He was going to use you to get to Bucky.

“No- I-” You weren’t sure how you were going to get out of it but your attempt at lying was quickly cut off by your mother kicking you hard in the stomach and you lose your breath, whimpering in pain.

Your father crouches in front of you. He has taken the photo out of its frame and was now waving it in front of your face as if it was the worst kind of torture, and in a way, it really was.

“I was going to kill you like the cockroach you are, but I think you might be useful after all.” He rips the photo to tiny pieces and throws them in your face. You start to cry silently, tears stinging your eyes, as your mother pulls you upwards. She pulls your arms behind your back and as she’s about to put you in handcuffs, she notices your Mark.

“Look.” She shows it to your father, who smirks.

“So you are the Asset’s Soulmate that everyone’s been looking for. Our new leaders will be so pleased to meet you.” He grabs your face, his clammy hand feeling disgusting on your skin and forces you to look at him, to see the violence that was bubbling in him. He was excited for what will be done to his own daughter once they bring you to Hydra.

They cuff and pull you outside towards a black jeep hidden deep in the woods. You try to struggle away, already thinking of escape routes, but this time the hold on your shoulder is too strong for you and you didn’t put it past them to shoot through your knees to keep you from running.

“Please, don’t!” You cry out when they throw you on the backseat. You thrash against the seatbelt they put on you, probably more to keep you from attacking them than to keep you safe during the journey.

Your father climbs in the front passenger seat and your mother in the driver’s seat, just like they always did. You give up your attempt to keep your tears in check and they stream down your face as you realise the awful fate that found you.

You have always known your past would catch up with you at some point, but you never expected this. Your own parents, almost twelve years since you’ve last seen them, hunting you down like some wild animal and bringing you home like a trophy only to be used to hurt the people who had shown you kindness. And even more specifically, to get to your Soulmate and probably hurt him more than he’s ever been hurt before. All you could do is sit there and cry about it, because you didn’t even have a way to warn Bucky from the danger coming his way.

Just as your mother leans out to close the door, it’s ripped straight off its hinges with a terrifying screech of metal and she is yanked out of the her seat as if a black hole swallowed her. Your father screams something, but your ears are ringing and all you can hears is your heart beating violently. He aims his gun in the direction she disappeared into, but he too is ripped out of the car when someone smashes the windshield open and pulls him out in a rain of glass.

You breathe heavily, not exactly sure what’s happening around you. Your eyes are wide and sore from crying but you try to make out any signs of movement outside. The silence surrounding you is scary, something like the silence right after a fatal shot. You wiggle in your seat and manage to push the seat belt clasp open, your instincts telling you that you need to get out and away from the danger, but you are frozen in place. Whoever was out there, there was no guarantee they wouldn’t kill you the moment you step out of the jeep.

The backseat door you were pushed through earlier is suddenly pulled open and you scream your head off when a large figure clad all in black slides inside and closes the door behind them. You try to kick them back but they catch your calf and hold you in place as you start to panic. 

They reach out their free hand to turn on the little light in the roof and you notice the person in front of you looks oddly familiar.

“Sh, shhh darling, it’s me. It’s Bucky.” He pulls down the mask that was covering half of his face. You stare at him like an idiot. His hair was a lot shorter and he had shaved his beard off - it reminded you of the old photos of him Sam had shown you once. But his eyes were still the same beautiful blue you’ve come to love so much.

“Bucky…” You cry out, a sob tearing through you so violently, it hurts to breathe. 

You want to hug him, hold him but your wrists are still cuffed behind your back so all you can do is scoot closer. He immediately pulls you in his lap, holding you close and letting you hide your face in his neck, rubbing his hand up and down your back as he lets you cry.

“It’s alright, baby, I’ve got you now.” Bucky assures you, but you can’t even answer. All the pain you’ve felt over the years pours out of you as if a dam broke and you can’t form a single word, just whine against his shoulder, while he reaches back and rips the cuffs open, careful not to hurt you. 

He brings your arms forward, gently rubs your shoulders to relieve the tension there, then he massages your wrists, the coolness of his metal arm feeling amazing against the sore skin. Your cries quiet down after a bit and you can breathe again, his very presence is so calming to you, you almost forget that you were about to get kidnapped. You pull back to look at him again, his brows furrow in worry when he spots the angry red lines lining your wrists. He brings them up to his mouth and gently kisses them.

“Your tattoo is gone.” Bucky notices when his lips touch your Mark. A shiver runs through and you wonder if that’s the Mark reacting to your Soulmate or just you reacting to Bucky. You sniffle and nod, not trusting your voice.

“Baby, look at me.” You don’t want to. If you look, you’ll just start crying again. He takes your chin in his fingers, making sure not to touch you where your mother had slapped you, your skin probably red from the impact as it still throbbed, and he turns your head so you have to face him.

The moment you look in his eyes, so dark in the dim light of the backseat lamp, but so full of love and longing, rimmed red like he was fighting the urge to cry, you hate yourself for putting him through all of this. You feel like all the guilt boils and bubbles up inside you again, just like the moment he looked so broken when he found you were his other half.

“I’m sorry” you whimper, the pain in your chest worse than the rest your beaten up body.

He pulls you back in his arms and holds you so tight you think he might be trying to pull all your broken pieces back together just with his strength alone. “I forgive you, darling, Everything. But please, please don’t run from me again.”

You shake your head, not even sure what you were trying to say, you’re just trying to will your tears to stop streaming down your face.

“I’ve missed you so much.” He kisses your forehead, his lips lingering there and he slowly moves them down, just barely touching the skin of your temple and cheek, before letting them rest against your own lips. “My Soulmate.” He whispers before pressing his lips to yours.

The kiss is chaste and short but it’s still better than you dreamed of. You close your eyes and let yourself enjoy the silence and the soft skin of his cheeks under your fingertips. He keeps murmuring against your lips, his voice so low, you can barely hear him speak. 

You open your eyes finally and look at his face, something in your blank expression making him worry. 

“What is it, baby?“ 

You snort out a laugh. "You look so handsome.”

He joins you and for a joyful little moment, everything’s alright and it’s only you and Bucky. When both of you sober up, you’re both afraid to address the elephant in the room.

“Bucky, why did you come here?" 

"You can’t expect me to just let you go after you finally told me the truth.” He scoffs at the thought.

“So what, you’re just gonna ignore everything because we have some words on our skin? I’m probably the worst person for you.” You hate sounding ungrateful, like you don’t want him there. But you can’t shake off the feeling of being a dead weight to him.

“Baby, listen. If there’s anyone in this shitty world that knows, understands you and your past - it’s me. I was a murderer back then too. We’ve both changed." 

"I still feel guilty though." 

"Why?" 

"Because this isn’t the first time I ran. When I found out you’re my Soulmate, I wanted nothing to do with you because I was scared of what Hydra would do to me. And then after Project Insight? I didn’t even care to check, I just assumed you’re dead." 

It felt strange to finally admit everything out loud after years of bottling up all of your past before the Snap, but when you look at Bucky, expecting him to be angry or at least disappointed with you, all you see is kindness. Because that’s all Bucky has ever offered you - kindness.

"You were a different person back then. Hell, I was barely a person back then. I won’t hold it over your head.” He holds your face in his palms, stroking his thumbs under your eyes to catch any stray tears that still managed to find their way out.

And as you stare into those blue eyes full of love and kindness you think… maybe he’s right? Maybe it was time you allow yourself the same forgiveness that he’s offered you.

Maybe it’s time to start over.

“I think I wanna go back." 

He cocks his head to the side, as if what you said was the most confusing thing he’s ever heard. "Where?" 

"Home. The Compound.” The smile he gives you is blinding and you can’t help but feel proud that it was you who made him smile like that.

“Come home with me then. We’ll start over. Here - ” He sits back, gives you his right hand. “I’m Bucky Barnes, your Soulmate.” You laugh and introduce yourself as well. Loving and being with him was always easy like that. 

He jumps out of the car, a grin still lighting up his features when he grabs you by the waist and helps you climb out as well. He keeps a hand on your lower back as he leads you around the car.

By the front tires of the jeep, looking like they went through quite a fight, your parents sit on the snow covered ground, tied up, a furious Samuel Wilson staring them down.

“Sammy..” You whisper when you spot him. You immediately run to him and he pulls you in a bear hug, lifting you off the ground a bit and kissing the top of your head.

“You silly, silly girl, running away like this. Couldn’t you at least go to Hawaii?” He puts you back down and examines your face, hissing at the sight of your swollen cheek.

“I’m sorry, Sammy.”

Sam smiles fondly and moves some stray hair behind your ear. “It’s alright baby girl, we’re here.”

“So who are you?” You hear Bucky ask when he crouches in front of your parents, them staring daggers at him.

You clear your throat. “Mother and Father.” Sam and Bucky stare blankly at you. “They were going to take me back to Hydra.”

“No, I think not.” Sam snarls and stomps over to them again. “How about we take you for a ride, huh?”

You try to listen to the exchange of threats but Bucky holds your attention as he slowly walks back to you, takes your hands in his and kisses your good cheek. You feel yourself smile at the gesture.

“Do you want to go grab your things?” He asks only loud enough for you to hear.

“I don’t really have anything I need…” The only thing that comes to mind is the picture you had framed, but that was torn to pieces on the floor inside the cottage. Everything else was only items necessary for you to survive.

You glance back at the cottage fondly, you’ve come to love it over the short period of time you spent living in it. “Let’s just take the guns and go.”

Bucky nods and pulls you towards the small pile your father had created in front of the entrance. The two of you work silently, gathering the weapons and you put back the kitchen knives. One last look inside the cottage and you step outside, leaving the life of running behind you.

Bucky has a soft smile on his face when you join him and take his hand without hesitation. “Let’s go home.”


End file.
